Struggle To Keepin' It Real with Yourself

Let's get to the point. All this covid thing sucks! It has taken away from so many people that we longer are thinking straight. But this is not about covid, this is about how we see ourselves during a time in need. 

I have a few friends that I can call when there is an emergency. But if you personally know me, then you know I will think a hundred times before calling them. Not because I can't but because I do not want to bother them. That's my thing, I know you're there but I won't bother you. YOU can bother me! 

This year has opened my eyes even more. I remember in 2016 something big happened and how things were falling apart, the thought of leaving (again) came to mind but I chose to stay. Not for anyone specific, but for myself. For me to show me that there was more than those tumbling bricks being thrown at me. Don't get me wrong, it sometimes still sneaks its way for me to think about it but not so much to mourn on it. I sometimes tell myself, I should have seen it coming but who is exactly ready for disaster anyway? Look at this covid! We were not prepared. My family was not prepared to lose our dad. Like fuck really?? No, this cannot be true...but it was. 

I started to clearly remember some funny jokes and some sayings he would share with us. I remember laughing at his jokes and pondering on how he looked at life. Is no laughing matter now. The jokes are there but the saying on how he looked at life was what I needed and still need. I tend to stay in one place and that is because uncertainty scares me, Not knowing where the next bill fix, or food fix is coming from, scares the bejesus outta me. Yes, I know, we cannot know everything but I like to know a little at least. 

I have met more wonderful people along the way, some may have come back for other reasons. And again, if you know me, you know I do not push people away unless it is a life/death situation. I am happy where I am now. But since my dad passed away, the sayings keep coming back. His train of thought has added to mine and I want more from life. I do not know how I can get it but I want it. I am not saying that where I am is not good but life has many beautiful things that I would like to experience and have as my own. 

Some things that we tend to forget is to take care of ourselves. Why? Because we like putting others first. But how can we put others first if we are not able to do anything to support our own self? I have come a long way to keep giving like before. I have come a long way from putting my happiness and health in jeopardy because I make moves for others first. But with so many changes occurring now, it made me, it made us stop & quarantine at home, it made me keep paying attention to me AGAIN before I lose myself, again! It may sound selfish but I cannot keep doing what I did before and lose myself again. I will never stop helping others, because this is ingrained in me. But my dad also lived his life to the fullest so why should I not do it too? People will always talk no matter what we do, bad or good. People will love and hate us for the actions we take, bad or good, so why not take them if it makes us happy? If they love you they will stay, if they prefer to leave then let them. This world is full of people and just like we find one that is worthy now, we can find another one that is worthy then. 

Sounds scary to me because it is uncertain of the future. But my dad did it with a smile. He would say, in Spanish, eat all you want now because there may be none left or you may not be able to come back for it. Guess what, I eat what I want and when I want. Healthy for now but I could say yes, I ate those chicken fingers with french fries from all three restaurants and I only liked two. The point is that with so many changes happening and not knowing if we will make it, why should we deprive ourselves from doing what we want. If it is legal, and there is no harm for yourself, why not make the move and let it open the future door. It may not be a door you expected at first but it sure will lead somewhere you never thought of. It also will lead to an age where you can say, Yes I did that! And my dad would say this. His youth was spent happy and filled with stories. Something I want to share with my kids and grand-kids one day. 

But right now, with changes happening, it is scary to make a move. Is scary to jump to the other side. One thing I know is that I am going to continue to take care of me. I will continue to stay honest to myself and those who need to hear it, and I will continue to keep giving the love I know I can give to those who need it. Because If I die tomorrow, the stories may not have much to say but I want mine to say a lot of goodness. I want to be able to smile and know I did it because I wanted to and because I loved it!

At the end of the day, I'm the one looking at the mirror and loving myself the way I want to be loved. It will take courage for another human to love you the way you want to be loved. Not everyone has that type of courage but if you find it, you are one lucky human! So remember, even though the world is mourning, keep loving yourself. 

Hugs,

Sweet Betty 

Visual Path

08.10.2019

Hi there! We all have been in different scenarios in this world. From moving small mountains to big ones. With different reactions to every occasion. I think the best way I have handled this was to just sit back and watch intensely on what is God trying to tell me. Now if you read that sentence and thought why did I type "watch" and not listen, keep reading. 

I put my emotions aside, and try to look at every step taken from the start of what has happened. And I mean, I find a quiet time, alone and sit down. I close my eyes or leave them open. (if I leave them open. my eyes are fixed on something but yet not looking at the object) I then retrace every step from days before to the present. I ask myself questions of steps others had taken for me or against me. I ask questions regarding myself. I look intensely at what I did and what others did. I put one and one together like a puzzle and I find my answer. 

It takes time to learn how to just sit back and think. We tend to want answers fast to react but this is what gets us in trouble sometimes. So I have learned that if I wait I can find the answer or know a little bit of why I am going through with what is happening.

There was a time in my life I was always asking the same questions. Why this? Why that? Why they can't do it for once? Why can't I (fill in the blank)? There were so many questions for a very long time. I was mentally tired that I had given up and just acted like a robot. My health was bad, my migraines were worse and my attitude towards life began to not have any feeling whats-so-ever. That was scary. Until something happened. It took one human to turn my world (for one day) upside down. Of course, I hated her for it, on that day. But as the days pass, I actually did not have any feelings towards this person. I actually had a couple of days to sit back and watch on what was going on around me and looked at the steps, realizing that I actually was going to go through this day, but I was not prepared. I was not prepared because my robot self was not paying attention. My attention was on other equal important things. But it is ok. I had a year to meet new people, learn who was family and friends in the time of need, learned more about myself and regroup my sanity. 

Another thing I did't see was that God was actually paying attention to me. Remember, I was always asking the same questions? Well I found part the answer. It was actually God, Life, The Universe, preparing me for a totally different scenario FOR MY LIFE. For this life I have now, called calm. When I mean calm, I mean mentally I am where I am suppose to be. Calm. I had to do what I did before, while asking questions, to be prepared for this next step of my life. The hardness I put on me to save, to keep calm, to be a certain way has actually helped me earn the calmness of life. And while I sit back and see the path, see what God is doing...I slowly understand on why the things around me back then was going on. So now I act towards the scenarios different because there is a reason for it. For growth, for meeting new people, for new positions, for new things in life. So I may have had that day turned my life upside down in a way I never saw it and cried with pain in my heart, but I see now why I had to go through it. I see now because I stopped and sat back, retraced the paths to see the steps and learned. Learned on how I had gained those days to be here, with what I been wanting to have. A calmness that I thought I would get from shedding tears of blood but got it from just drinking water. 

I hope you understand what I am saying. There are many bad things we go through but it will eventually play out of on our favor, It brings people you will actually need for a better reason than the one you want. Is like the saying goes, "better quality than quantity. And I also tell you "I rather have what I need than what I love, because when I have what I need I also find what I love". 

🌱Stay positive my friend. Life, God, The Universe has great ways to give you the best things in life. Just make sure to sit back and listen. You may find what you actually have been looking for. 🌞

Hugs to you,
Sweet Betty 💓